When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
