Need sex. Gaining weight.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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