I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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