You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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