remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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