Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
sarcasm needs its own font
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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