We won't sleep together?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
