his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
