I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
