i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
