she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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