WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
