Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You don't make any sense
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