I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
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