I'm gonna have a badass scar
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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