Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
barbara walters just said penis...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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