HIV tests are more positive than that guy
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
