I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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