Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
