If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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