dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Moan for me like Helen Keller
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
