you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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