of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
