Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
