3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think my vagina is haunted
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
