Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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