Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
