He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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