i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
