Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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