People in love make me want to vomit
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
