Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
