he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
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It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
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There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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