She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
