paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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