My boss' voice literally gives me gas
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
