the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
