how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize