Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Semen is not good for contacts.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
