bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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