I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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