i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
