I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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