You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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