your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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