My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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