Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
