Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
