I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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