Will you blow on my dice?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
