Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
