I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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