Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
