On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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