my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
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He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
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