I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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